Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
