Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
