i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
