u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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