I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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