tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
