I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
