I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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