Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
