the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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