Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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