i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
