My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
