We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
