Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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