oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
A+ Viking dick
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