So drunk its hurt
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
