I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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