Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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