Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
