I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
