I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
