Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
