I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
