I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
