i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
