Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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