I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
