it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
