i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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