I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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