life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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