Porn is love you can see.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
