I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
