I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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