I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
