The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
