Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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