WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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