I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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