Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
