you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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