capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
