I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
