i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
