I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
