Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
