Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
