I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
