last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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