I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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