I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
