but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
