the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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