pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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