Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
