someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
