no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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