Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
