so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
